Complete archive · Archives complètes
From the first letter written after Anya’s death through more than a decade of grief, remembrance, fatherhood, and family life.
De la première lettre écrite après la mort d’Anya jusqu’à plus d’une décennie de deuil, de souvenirs, de paternité et de vie familiale.
A story told over time
The entries build on one another. Start with the earliest letter and follow the family’s journey forward.
Showing the complete archive.
January 5, 2014
My dearest Anya, You surprised us yesterday by deciding to come into this world a bit earlier than expected, 37 weeks and 2 days into your existence. When your mom went into labour, there was a mix of absolute excitement, nervousness, and…
January 5, 2014
My lovely Anya, It was a week ago today that you showed your beautiful face to the world. I can still picture the first few moments of your life. It’s probably the only moments we had, as a family, where things were as they should be. I…
January 5, 2014
My sweetest Anya, Today is a cruel day. Today, we say goodbye one more time, as we prepare to bury you. The world really isn’t as it should be. Today, me and your mom should be exhausted from being up at all hours to feed you. We should be…
January 15, 2014
Losing a child. It's a topic that is neither easy to write about, or fun reading about. Why, then, should I want to write a blog about it? The past four weeks have easily been the most difficult of my life. I hope that by documenting my…
January 19, 2014
May 1, 2013. That was the day. The day that we found out that our lives were going to change. As we had been dreaming for a few short months, we would become parents. We were, of course, guardedly optimistic. After all, a commonly cited…
January 19, 2014
One month ago today my sweet baby Anya… one month today you were born! So beautiful, so perfect… you brought us so much love! To commemorate your 1-month birthday, to commemorate the memory of you, dad and I have started a new tradition.…
January 22, 2014
Alex started back at work today. I'm glad for him. Alex's work gives him such purpose, such vitality. It will help to heal him. Meanwhile, here I am at home. Alone. In an empty house... Well, almost empty... Our cat is curled up asleep a…
January 25, 2014
Mom: My sweetest baby Anya, I want to put our last journey together - which I had always thought would be our first journey together - into words, so that I can never forget a single detail of it, of you. Creating you, and bringing you…
January 25, 2014
December 19, 2013 6:59 AM Mom: Our midwife brought you to the reanimation table. Everything happened so quickly. I was confused - in shock. I didn’t know what was happening. You weren’t breathing or crying. I couldn’t go to you. My body…
January 29, 2014
Anya, You left us so quickly, we barely got the chance to get to know each other. Everyday I think about who you were, and who you might have been. What I know about you, my dear sweet daughter: You were calm. You moved softly and gently…
January 31, 2014
We still don't know what happened to Anya. We are hoping the autopsy results will give us answers, but we may never know. At the moment, I'm okay with that. When speaking of Anya, people often ask me: Would you still want to be followed by…
January 31, 2014
There isn't a single week that goes by without newspapers printing sad headlines. Headlines of deadly accidents... rare diseases. These things happen in life, and we're all very much aware of it. We know it happens. But it happens to other…
February 4, 2014
A snow angel for my baby girl Lately it seems every day is just as hard as the day before, if not harder. I try to find a balance between letting myself feel: the sadness, the pain, the anger, and keeping myself busy with things I enjoy:…
February 10, 2014
From time to time, as mourning parents, we hear some odd compliments. Things like 'Great job getting out of bed and doing something with your day'. And we're surprisingly thankful to hear that. It's a reminder that we could easily (and…
February 17, 2014
People keep telling me how strong I am, though the truth might be more accurately reflected in this quote, spoken by a grieving father to his stillborn son... "Forgive me when I cry [...] Occasionally, I can't help it [...] "Forgive me…
February 23, 2014
Wednesday marked the two month anniversary of Anya's dirthday. (Dirthday = death + birthday. Another parent at a loss for words came up with that term.) As in our Letter to Our Daughter: One Month Later , Alex and I thought it important…
March 6, 2014
This week has been incredibly difficult. Anya was born, Anya died 11 weeks ago today. Sometimes it feels like a lifetime, sometimes it feels like yesterday. Still it hurts, it hurts like nothing I've ever experienced before. There are…
March 19, 2014
Spring will be here soon. We all hope... And with spring comes renewal. I had been dreading spring for the better part of the past 3 months. Spring means moving forward, leaving behind Anya's winter and continuing to live, while our…
March 23, 2014
March 19 marked 3 months since Anya's death. And so, last Wednesday, we took some time to celebrate our love for our daughter. This month's gesture was simple, yet incredibly meaningful. We framed a photo of our small family and we placed…
March 30, 2014
I've heard it said a few times now... When a person dies, you turn to the memories they left behind for comfort. When a baby dies there are few memories, and a lifetime of "should have been" to mourn. When I think of Anya, I think of a…
April 2, 2014
When Kayleigh and I first announced that we were expecting, we probably never went more than a couple of days without someone recounting their own experience to us. There was quite a range: Pregnancy is wonderful / Pregnancy is difficult ;…
April 7, 2014
Grief will make you sad. Grief will make you angry. Grief might even make you depressed or anxious. Grief will shake your confidence. It has shaken my confidence. Grief has shaken my confidence in God... more like shattered it. I simply…
April 17, 2014
Good things still happen. A case in point: I have been named the recipient of the 2014 CLA Emerging Leader Award . I have been honoured by my library peers. I feel so happy, grateful and (I can't help but repeat myself) honoured! The…
April 19, 2014
Dear Anya, I first saw your face four months ago, today. I have seen that beautiful face everyday since. In my thoughts, in photographs, and, as I go about my day, in the many babies of the world. Sometimes, I see myself in the parents of…
April 24, 2014
Rule #1 of Grief: Everyone experiences loss in their own way. Death doesn't discriminate. We are all hit by the finality of death sooner or later. Since we approach life with different baggage and personalities, so it is with death. But…
May 11, 2014
I have a secret to share with you. This isn't really my first mother's day. My first mother's day was one year ago. I remember it well. We surprised Alex's mom with a happy grandmother's day card and shared our joyful news. I am grateful…
May 12, 2014
Mother's Day was hard, but it was also filled with love and celebration. On Mother's Day, I felt like a mother, as my mother heart and its suffering were recognized. And the day after Mother's Day? It's hard too. It's hard because I woke…
May 18, 2014
Tomorrow will mark five months since Anya was born and died. Alex and I are planning a little something special. For now, I wanted to take the time to show you all the beautiful art that was created almost a month ago now, on April 19, by…
May 20, 2014
Dearest Anya, Yesterday was the five month anniversary of your death. As a special something to commemorate your life, dad and I wanted to write you a letter. We wanted to let you know that we're OK. We still enjoy the sunshine. Our hearts…
June 2, 2014
I've just had a beautiful week - mostly. Victoria, high tea, beer on a patio, a library conference, Vancouver Island, and I won an award to boot! It was one of those weeks that makes life seem perfect and amazing. Therein lies the battle.…
June 14, 2014
We took down the crib in Anya's room last weekend. We moved the furniture around. "That took so much courage," said one friend. "I know it must have been difficult," said another. But in truth, it wasn't so difficult. Anya's room... Once…
June 15, 2014
Thank you to the many of you that took the time to wish me a happy Father's Day today. It has been a bit of an up-and-down kind of day - it's hard to know how I should feel about today. My journey as a father isn't quite the one I keep…
June 22, 2014
Thursday marked six months since... Six months since... Six months later and I still don't know how to end that sentence. Thursday marked six months since... We collided with life. We lost our innocence. Love turned to death. Six months…
June 28, 2014
Last week I posted about moving forward... about forgetting the hurt, about trying to hold onto the past though I know I have to let go. A friend thoughtfully shared, "Y ou are not the same person you were before Anya was born. She changed…
July 15, 2014
July 26, 2014
For the first time since Anya's death, the 19th of this month came and went rather unceremoniously. It's not that we forgot - we acknowledged having reached another month. Month seven. But we didn't feel forced to do something about it. I…
August 30, 2014
Six months. That's the minimum amount of time that Kayleigh and I decided to give ourselves before seeing if we might be ready to try to be parents again. Waiting was difficult, at times, since the urge to want to be a parent grew…
October 13, 2014
I haven't written for quite some time... since the day we decided to try for another baby. For months, all my energy was focused on the future. I dared to hope, to dream of a healthy baby in my arms! If I am honest with myself, it has been…
October 19, 2014
The leaves are turning on Anya's tree. Soon, it too will be bare. For 10 months I have sat in the same spot, writing about Anya. The oak tree in our front yard has gone from bare, to budding, to vibrant green... and this morning, a…
December 1, 2014
It's December again. It almost feels like we've been living in December for the past year. This month of course, on the 19th, we'll celebrate Anya's first birthday. I'd be lying if I said that approaching this milestone hadn't already been…
December 13, 2014
Below is a post that I had written over the summer, but never ended up publishing (until now). A big part of this journey for me has been accepting (or trying to accept) my own limitations. It's a bit difficult to share, but I feel it's…
December 19, 2014
Dear William: Today is an important day for me and your mom. Today would have been your big sister's first birthday. It's also the first day on the calendar where we've never gone to bed expecting a baby. We don't know what it's like to be…
January 2, 2015
Wednesday night, with tears in our eyes, we said goodbye to 2014. 2014 was the year of Anya. January 1st, 2014, was our thirteenth day without Anya in our lives. A day we never expected would happen. It was a year filled with firsts and…
February 2, 2015
First, a status update: William is 32 weeks along. We went for an ultrasound today, and everything looks perfectly normal (it's not usually something the ultrasound tech can tell you, but we had a physician doing it). He's up to 3 pounds,…
February 11, 2015
Just a little over a month to go before we expect William to join us. Some moments I feel a rush of excitement and love. I love William so much - as much as if he were already born and in my arms. Anya taught me the love of a mother, and…
March 3, 2015
William is almost here. I can see the finish line. Today marks 36 weeks and 2 days. Anya was born at 37 weeks and 2 days. I feel excited, but at the same time, the next few weeks are daunting, to say the least. Past experiences tend to…
March 7, 2015
In 5 days or so, if all goes as planned, my labour will be induced. Alex and I are taking the time to appreciate one last quiet weekend at home. Really, we would do without the extra sleep and jump into parenthood right this moment, if it…
March 22, 2015
About a week before it happened, we knew when William would be born: March 12, 2015. It's quite a feeling, knowing that your child would be coming into the world "next Thursday". We knew it as a fact for a few days. Then, on the Wednesday,…
March 27, 2015
Life with a newborn is intense. There is the lack of sleep, the breastfeeding struggles, the post-pregnancy hormones... Not to mention the overwhelming realization that life will never be the same. A new person has joined the family. A…
April 9, 2015
I think I can honestly say I have never been so happy. The baby blues have mostly passed. We are starting to gain confidence. Our bodies are adjusting to the lack of sleep. Breastfeeding is getting easier. Alex and I have found ways to…
May 23, 2015
We have a ten-week old. It's still hard to believe. I wake up, and every day, he's there. Awake. Smiling. Crying. Breathing. Seeing him grow up so quickly is nothing short of amazing. Not to say that being a parent has been a cakewalk -…
June 21, 2015
We have come a long way since last Father's Day. At this time last year, we were out picking a gravestone for Anya. This year, we're picking boogers hanging from William's nose. The road that led to the privilege of cleaning those boogers…
July 6, 2015
It's been a while since I have stopped to write a blog post... At first I was busy with a newborn... I thought about the resemblance between William and Anya. I considered writing about everything we had the privilege to live with William…
July 11, 2015
Alex and I have strived to be open and honest always on this blog. But there is something we have hesitated to share... the answer to what happened. Officially, we are still waiting for the autopsy results and the coroner's report.…
September 19, 2015
William celebrated his half-birthday on September 12. Six months old, already. Having a child really skews your sense of time. I've heard it said that a newborn slows down your perception of time going by, and I would agree. And yet, I…
November 14, 2015
This Wednesday, November 11, after nearly 23 months, the investigation into Anya's death was closed. I should note that I received the report only nine days after filing an official complaint about the delay, so there's probably a lesson…
December 19, 2015
This year is not like the last. The memories of December 19, 2013 have become less vivid. I have been going through this month of December with joy and excitement for William's first Christmas. It's strange - the idea that this time of the…
February 20, 2016
Thinking of where to spend eternity? Are you considering St-Paul's cemetery in Aylmer, and looking for an honest review? Look no further! The Good: Location - If you're looking for something local, within walking distance from many houses,…
June 5, 2016
The year 2013 feels distant. In many ways, I feel like I can no longer relate to the devastated person that started writing this blog. That person knew where his life was going until he didn't. In an instant, he was faced with crippling…
July 30, 2016
In April 2014, to commemorate four months since Anya's passing, we invited friends and family to come add to Kayleigh's scrapbook . Going through photos of that day tonight, I feel that the content of that scrapbook deserves to be shared a…
September 21, 2016
Here we go again. I am happy to share that our family will once again be growing in early 2017. Anya and William's little brother or sister is scheduled for a late February / early March arrival. We're 15 weeks along today (a bit over one…
December 1, 2016
Since December 2013, one of the aspirations that I cling onto is to make Anya's legacy a net positive: bringing more good than bad to the world. And it has. It's heartwarming to reflect on the relationships she has strengthened, on the…
December 19, 2016
Three years ago today - already - Anya came into this world. How far we've come since. Her first sibling, William, followed some 15 months later. Her second sibling will be here in less than three months. Today, it seemed fitting to write…
February 3, 2017
Once again, we are nearing the finish line. We have hit the 34 week mark. If history repeats itself, we are under four weeks away from officially adding a new member to our family. Our second daughter. Juliette. As was the case with…
March 3, 2017
On most Monday mornings, our routine is a bit rushed: wake up to William calling us between 5 and 6. Go downstairs around 6. Have breakfast. I get dressed and leave by 6:30. Kayleigh gets William dressed and at daycare by 7:15 (or around…
April 15, 2017
As a grizzled veteran of three births, I thought I might offer some observations which compare and contrast the various birth options we've experienced in the Gatineau/Ottawa region. Who knows - it might offer some food for thought for…
May 27, 2017
Music has a way of helping me relive certain moments in life. There's something therapeutic about it. Over the years, I've created particular associations between Anya's short existence and a handful of songs. They have helped me to relive…
July 10, 2017
I've been hiding from my grief. It is hard to make time for it, but it shows its face now and then... I look at Juliette, and I wonder... What kind of mother would I have been to Anya? What kind of mother would I have been if I hadn't lost…
September 22, 2017
Aren't we lucky? That's a question and sentiment we find ourselves asking and feeling quite a bit these days. That is - in between the occasional moments of frustration and exhaustion that naturally come with parenting a couple of kids…
November 24, 2017
Life is pretty crazy these days... interrupted sleep, little time to ourselves, toddler tantrums. In the midst of this exhaustion, I'm struggling to appreciate life and the little things. And I'm certain 4 years ago I vowed never to take…
December 19, 2017
My dear Anya, Can you believe that you were born four years ago already? I find it hard to believe that we have been that long without you. Yet I can hardly remember the time that came before you. You should know that I have thought of you…
February 16, 2018
We've used the term "how far we've come" a number of times over these past four years, always with a positive undertone. From devastation back to normalcy - it's been a journey that I am proud to say we 'completed', in a way. The strange…
May 17, 2018
Our dear little William is now a bubbling happy three year old, curious about everything that life puts in front of him. It's pretty wonderful hearing all of the quirky things that pop in his head. "Daddy look, I fell down just like the…
October 30, 2018
Last week was one of the most trying ones to date as a parent. On Wednesday night, our little William (who had been battling a fever and a sore throat) gave us a bit of a scare. He woke up crying for mommy (who happened to be on a rare…
December 19, 2018
Happy 5th Birthday, Anya. We all came to see you this morning, cupcakes and a candle in hand, to sing you Happy Birthday. Your brother was asking about you. He said "Anya can't eat the cupcake, right?". I said "No she can't"... "We were…
November 15, 2019
The first blanket of snow of the season tends to remind us of Anya - a reminder that highlighted to me this week that it's been almost a full year since I've written here. It inevitably led to re-reading a lot of our early posts. A few…
December 19, 2019
Dear Anya: Happy 6th Birthday. We came to see you this morning. The candle on your cupcake was blown out before we finished singing Happy Birthday. Maybe it was the wind, or the bone-chilling frost. Or as Juliette put it, maybe it was…
April 8, 2020
These are strange times. We have been staying home for weeks (like the rest of the world), hoping for a return to normalcy. The days are impossibly long, many of them being emotionally draining and difficult to get through. It feels like…
December 19, 2020
Happy seventh birthday, Anya. Quite the year you've missed. A year characterized by physical distancing. Staying apart from friends and family for the good of each other. It is necessary. The cost to not do this would be too great. At the…
December 19, 2021
Dear Anya: I met you for the first and last time eight years ago today. Eight years. Although we are more and more separated by time each year, part of me still exists there with you, on that day. I often think of holding you in that…
December 19, 2022
Nine years ago today, Anya was born. Nine years. It seems so hard to believe that this much time has passed since holding her in my arms. My firstborn, and my first beautiful baby. Although I still think of her often, these days I don't…
May 10, 2023
Merci à l'équipe de Naître et grandir pour la chance de discuter d'Anya et du deuil périnatal sur le balado Histoires de pères. C'est toujours un grand plaisir de parler d'elle, surtout en approchant son dixième anniversaire.
December 19, 2023
Dear Anya, Today you enter the double-digits. Part of me doesn't quite believe that it was so long ago since I held you. If we could shed bits of our souls to forever remain in the moments of our lives that mark us, surely a good part of…
December 19, 2024
Happy 11th birthday, dear daughter. I am grateful as always for this annual ritual, allowing us to pause and reflect on your beautiful brief existence on this December day. In thinking of you today, I was remembering this verse in a lovely…
December 19, 2025
Today, my dear Anya, you would be 12 years old. This is the eleventh time I sit down on the morning of December 19th, under the gloomy grey skies and quiet beauty of a new winter arriving, and that I make the time to write to you, to think…